Ante up

(breathlessly getting into the car after a rather trying trip to the grocery store with me and his sister, addressing her from the backseat) OK. Stop talking and listen to me. (holding up a dollar bill) I will give you a DOLLAR if you can be QUIET for 1 whole minute. No talking, no sounds, no nothing. Starting . . . (intently looking at the clock) . . . NOW!

Her, responding enthusiastically, big smile on her face: Wow! That's going to be hard to do! I don't know if I can BE quiet for a whole minute. That's like 60 whole seconds, but I guess it's worth a dollar, that's more than a penny a second . . .

Him, deadpan expression on his face, putting the dollar back in his pocket and catching my eye in the rearview mirror as she continues to chatter away: Are you KIDDING me?!

Where does he HEAR this stuff?

(In the car, where else?)

My mother: Well, your brother and his girlfriend aren't seeing each other anymore.

Me: Really? Hmm . . . guess it's going around. I'm getting divorced, he's split, other brother's split . . .

Him, from the backseat: Man! You people are dropping like flies!

Masking the disappointment

Flashback while cleaning the bathroom last night . . .

The Boy, at 3, sitting on the potty: Why do you spray that stuff?

Me, tidying him up and flushing: It's air freshener. It makes the bathroom smell nice. (spraying some) See? It makes it smell like flowers!

Him, looking unconvinced: Yeah, it DOES smell like flowers . . . (pause for dramatic effect) Flowers and POOP!

When you point one finger, three are pointing back at you

Him, excitedly, in the backseat with his sister discussing ghosts and witches: "It's true, Mom! I saw it! There was a witch flying over a mountain. No broom! And there were two people that talked about how they got attacked, and . . . . it's real! It was on YouTube!"

Me, slowly and carefully, and maybe a little condescendingly, "Honey, you can't believe everything you see on YouTube, or television. There are people out there, CRAZY people that put all kinds of nutty stuff out on the internet . . ."

Him, in a stage whisper to his sister, "I DARE you to say 'Yeah, like YOU!' "

Vote of Confidence

(reading an email to The Boy that I received in the midst of our recent cold snap)

__________________________

No Little League Team / Manager should start or conduct a practice with the temperature below 40°degrees.

The Team Manager should use caution and exercise good judgment when temperatures are 40°-45° degrees”. This policy is guideline and not meant to replace common sense.

____________________________

Him: "So . . . . its up to our Little League coach to decide to cancel practice when it's too cold to play?"

Me: "Yep, that's right"

Him, walking away with a heavy sigh, "That's it, we're screwed."

Ice Cream: A study in crayon and pencil

He's learning the ways . . .

(standing with me, staring, as I put on my makeup in front of the vanity mirror) "Mom, why do you put on so much makeup?"

Me: "So I will look prettier."

Him, haltingly: "But . . . it doesn't . . . " (then stopping suddenly, then total silence as he thinks better of it, walking away, lips pursed.)