An actual conversation

Newly 7 year old kid: Can we go to the park this afternoon?

Me: Sure, if you come downstairs and pick up the toys and clean up the floor first, we'll go.

Kid: My back hurts!

Me: Well, then, we can't go to the park if you have a hurt back.

Kid: (walking away, mumbling under his breath) damn it . . . crap

A boy and his dogs

Sure, they're all cute . . .

when they're asleep.

Can't really argue with his logic

(Riding down the road, seemingly lost in deep thought as he stared out the window) Do you know what I think the worst thing about eating dog poop would be?

(Me, feeling queasy) No . . . what?

(Him, with a definitive nod) The aftertaste.

(older sister, a bit panicked) We haven't gone to see Santa yet! We have to go to the mall and see Santa to tell him what we want for Christmas!

(The Boy, rolling his eyes) Everyone KNOWS that the Mall Santa is just a big fake . . .

(me, holding my breath, wondering if the jig is up, as he continues) . . . Everybody knows the fastest way to get your Christmas list to the REAL Santa is to email him! Don't you know anything?!